Lack of self-identity | Gill Mathias

This week I have been thinking a lot about the significance of identity. Identity is a grouping of attributes, qualities and values that define how we view ourselves, and perhaps how we think other people see us. Identity can be formed from the labels we place upon ourselves, the roles we undertake, the activities we complete. I might see myself as a woman, a mother, a grandmother or a friend – but my identity is shaped from much, much more. My identity helps me to connect with others, my sense of self, my ‘core’, the sense of who I am.

Lack of Self belief

How do you ‘lose’ your identity?

I often talk about clients who have lost their identity during midlife or moving into retirement. It can be a long process over a period of months or years, but can also happen suddenly following a major life event or trauma. Loss of identity may follow all sorts of change; changes in the workplace, loss of a job or profession, loss of a role that once defined us, as a child, as a parent, as a spouse, as an employee.

This leaves a gap, an abyss, an empty space. Such loss of identity can result in increased levels of generalised anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, a loss of self-confidence, social anxiety, isolation, chronic loneliness, all of which threaten our ability to connect with other people. These are often symptoms of midlife.

When we lose our identity and sense of self, we are likely to seek our sense of self-worth from others. It suddenly becomes very important how others view us, as our sense of value and self-worth, our feelings of confidence, are dependent on external factors such as our physical appearance, success, status, money, and even fame. As a result, we seek reassurance and praise from others to feel OK about ourselves but in reality, our emotional well-being depends on how we feel about ourselves.

Our sense of self – our ‘identity’ should not come from what others think about us, how we look, or how we behave, but we worry about being judged or measured bu others. So guess what, the imposter syndrome creeps in and we put on an act, a facade, a mask. We all do it at times to present the ‘best-self’ out there, when inside, we may be feeling very different to the real ‘me’ hiding underneath, but when this is happening all the time – this could be a problem.

If you have low self-esteem, you may not like yourself very much, and there is a tendency to seek your self-worth from external sources and relationships that become increasingly important… and sometimes unhealthy, in order to make you happy.

Remember, it is so important to truly love yourself as this will empower you to have a positive self-image, self-respect and most important total self-acceptance. The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Your emotional well-being depends on how you feel about you, as a result of the relationship you have within yourself.

So I ask you the question ‘who are you?’

Will the real ‘you’ please stand up!

Do come back with any comments or questions or a free 20 minute chemistry call.