Divorce in the Third Age | Gill Mathias

DIVORCE IN THE THIRD AGE

Whatever the reasons, divorce in the third age is becoming more common.

There are several reasons for this growing trend of divorce after 60 plus years of age:

We are healthier and living longer.
We are less willing to “settle” and stay in a bad marriage.
We are more likely to be in second marriages in which divorce happens at a higher rate.
There is less stigma to ending a marriage.
Women are more independent and self-sufficient than women in earlier generations.
It’s more acceptable for men to leave a long marriage for something new.
There are issues on second/third marriages and stepchildren.

Should I Divorce After 60?

Even though men in long marriages may be dissatisfied with the relationship, women are more likely to actually file for divorce. Sometimes, men are having affairs, abusing drugs or alcohol, or maybe even emotionally or physically abusing us. Sixty-plus men are often hopeful they can have a loving, faithful family and still do things that are destroying that relationship. Viagra is giving them a new lease on life, too.

We should definitely take our time when asking ourselves, “Should I file for divorce if I’m over 60 plus years old?” Seeing a marriage counsellor can sometimes help, but if you’re reading this, you’ve probably already tried that, or your ex gave you no choice. Getting your own therapy is helpful in making this decision to continue to find a positive way forward.

There are many factors that affect a serious decision to divorce after 60. Your financial situation may be the deciding factor. Women may need more of a nest egg as they live longer.

If you are thinking about divorce after 60, you have to decide if staying in the marriage is worth what you would be giving up. If you feel like you can’t be the woman you were created to be and stay in the marriage, you should seek trusted advice or get help making the next step to gain independent advice.

Coping with Divorce After 60 Plus

There are several ways women cope with divorce after age 60. Much of it depends on whether we made the choice to divorce to live alone. We are more likely to have intense feelings of loss if our husband simply says “I’m done.”

In many cases of late-life divorce, there are simply other reasons for the breakdown.

But you are in charge of your future. I know it seems an unpredictable, scary future but realise that your future is up to you. Surviving divorce after 60, or anytime, is always a choice.

The biggest step forward that you need to make is deciding that it will not destroy you. It is important to not allow one person, even after so many years define your life in any circumstances. You might feel severe hurt and pain. However, it is possible with a plan to live a happy life, and you can change your thoughts to decide to use every day with your precious after-60 life in the best way possible.

It is a day-by-day decision to decide to survive and heal after divorce. It is a moment-by-moment choice to get better after that heart-breaking decision.

Depression After Divorce

After a late life divorce we are usually thrown into a wild roller-coaster of emotions. We go from wanting him back, to wanting him dead. We have intense levels of emotions we’ve never felt before. Depression. Rage. Fear. Loneliness. Sadness.

These emotions are unbelievably hard to handle, especially when we are exhausted and overwhelmed by the whole devastating ordeal. We actually wonder how we can even survive divorce after 60 plus.

Here are some things you can do to deal with the depression during and after divorce after 60:

See your Doctor. Tell him or her what’s going on.
Stay active. It’s vital to warding off depression.
Do the grief work you need to do.
Simplify your life for now.
Revisit your own life goals and dreams.
Be around safe positive people who help you move forward.
Get help. Find a programme that supports you and gives you a plan.
Realise that choices today create your life tomorrow.

Feeling Alone

Picture a little tiny boat with you alone in it on a huge, endless ocean. That’s how most 60+ women going through divorce feel.

Loneliness is gut-wrenching but try to stay upbeat and put on a mask. I know deep down you wonder if you will ever get over the divorce, but in time you will.

It’s not just that you’re alone, but that no one realises how hard this late life divorce journey is. Friends and family just want you to feel better, but they don’t understand how the heart is hurting. The dread of starting over after divorce at 60 plus is overwhelming.

Divorce after 60 usually means experiencing lots of other losses, too. Children have busy lives of their own and sometimes are not interested or good listeners. Our parents are either gone or needing more help. Friends are busy. Our body is changing. The world is flying forward, and we often feel left behind.

Feeling Inadequate

You might feel like you’re not enough or lose confidence and all those things make you doubt yourself.

It is important to pull yourself out of that pit. Make sure you get dressed every morning. Even though you may want to stay in your night wear all day, don’t do it! Dress up to feel up!

Our emotions follow our actions. The simple acts of putting a smile on your face and standing up straight make a difference. Walk with power. Those small actions get the endorphins moving around, giving you more enthusiasm and optimism. The phrase, “Fake it ‘till you make it,” has a scientific basis.

Finances

You must face your financial issues head on. Find out exactly where you stand. What you have (or will have) coming in and what your expenses will be. Regardless of how much or how little you have, knowing where you stand is empowering. It gives you a place to start.

Retirement

If you’re facing divorce after sixty get professional help to navigate the complicated world of Social Security and Retirement. Finding a part-time job can help make ends meet, and it’s good for you socially and emotionally. You get back into the world of the living where you can contribute and be a productive part of society.

Get the word around that you’re looking for a job. Volunteer at an organisation you care about. Some women have not had a job in 25 years, but it will empower you to either find voluntary or part-time work which is very rewarding and great for your self-esteem.

Your Home

Divorce after 60 often means a change in our living arrangements. Almost all women must move to a smaller, less expensive space.

Many move from a big house to a much, much smaller house after divorce. Believe me, that will help you take strides forward in your new after-divorce life. It will be a secure feeling to live within your means.

“Home is where you are.” Friends and family will enjoy being a support with your move. Wherever you end up, whether it’s a little apartment, a retirement village or a small house, you get to choose how to deal with that new part of your life. You can choose to make it wonderful!

Recovery & Transformation

Starting over after divorce at 60, is a huge adjustment, regardless of how it happens. The fact is: You can make your future as wonderful or as miserable as you want.

You need to make the choice every day to get better. Sometimes you have to make that choice several times a day.

Getting help making those good choices every day makes all the difference in the world. Find other women on this same road. Find resources and tools to keep you moving forward. You have to do the work, but don’t try to go through this alone.

What you want after the dust of your divorce settles is a beautifully transformed life – a life where you can’t wait to get up every morning!

You have the chance to make your after-60 plus life into a more beautiful, adventurous, fun life than you ever expected. It really can happen for you.

Dating After Divorce at 60 Plus

After divorce, many women feel like they have to hurry up and find someone else. My advice is that before you even think about dating again, you need to grieve and heal and then get strong and confident again yourself.

Many second or third marriages fail because people are lonely and want someone else to make them feel worthy again. You are worthy already! I know the loneliness is worse than awful! They can be agonising days. But getting comfortable with your new single self is so, so, so important before you start dating after 60 plus.

Use this time to re-discover your best self and what you really want. When you are moving to your new, transformed life is when you are most likely to find someone who appreciates your confident happy self no matter what your age!

Remember, your life after your divorce, yes, even divorce after 60 plus, can be good again. Not just sort-of good. It can be a life better than you ever expected! Make it happen!

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